I know I said I wouldn't write but writing is sometimes the only way to clear my head. There's been a situation in my host family, a situation that I've only made worse.
I've always been close to Candy. Even right after I moved in, we just sort of understood each other. I got a huge hug almost instantly despite the fact that the Chinese hardly ever hug. I think it was because I was used to having siblings and sharing a space. I could make her smile and she could explain things in English when I honestly had no idea what was going on. I remember thinking when Katie first moved in, I could handle being second best as long as Candy still likes me.
The thing is that's not what happened. I'm nobody's second fiddle. It would be so much simpler if that were the problem, especially with our final tomorrow. The problem started Tuesday night. I was absolutely exhausted. I fell asleep midpost and definitely a whole lot earlier than usual. Apparently that night Candy was absolutely terrified of giving her speech on Saturday at the graduation ceremony. I know the speech. I've been proofreading it and practicing with her for almost a week now. I've fixed every odd sentence and explained the idea of tenses and English vs. American spelling. I've corrected her pronunciation so she says "talked" instead of "talkED". We always do this when we have a lot of spare time. This time coincidentally is typically Katie free. It's not intentional. That's just what happens. Katie didn't even know Candy had a speech, let alone three. (1 for graduation, 2 for her trip to America)
And that my friend is the majority of the problem. My host mother thinks Katie is being selfish for not helping Candy with her English. She didn't say this to us though. She told Wei Lao Shi after Candy had her panic attack Tuesday night while I was asleep and Katie refused to help her because she was skyping her mom. Now Candy isn't very assertive and you can really only tell something is wrong if you can read people pretty well (so if you grew up with siblings). It seemed simple enough for Katie to say "I'll help you after I finish talking to my mom," but then afterwards it appeared the entire household was asleep. So she did the natural thing and got ready for bed.
Now I know one of the reasons this problem is so big is because I've not been the ideal example of a proper host student. Besides the first two weeks where I spoke a lot of English (because it was English or not talking because I was really not comfortable or proficient enough in Chinese), I'm always ready to help Candy study. I'm still so nervous about being a burden to my host family. If they want to do something, I'm all for it. I'll stay up late to finish homework if necessary. Katie does not have the same attitude. She's always extremely conscious about the amount of homework we have (which isn't a bad thing). This just means we've stopped strolling and talking after dinner and go straight home. Just little things that really add up.
My host mom is also really stressed. She's incredibly nervous about Candy going to the U.S. She's taking her frustration out on Katie. I'm sure it isn't just things Katie's doing. I'm probably just as frustrating. I know most of the time I'm not entirely sure what's going on. But the only thing my host mother was able to complain about me was that she didn't think I could use the washing machine (which I do. So that was confusing). I mean after the whole why isn't Laura talking thing.
Everything is very passive aggressive. We weren't even aware there was a problem until Wei Lao Shi told Katie. Katie was a distraught. We were now going to practice with Candy a half hour each. I couldn't have cared what schedule we set up. The second I knew Candy was scared, I automatically wanted to reassure her and if spending a little extra time would do that I would be more than happy to.
I didn't think though. The problem was I was always willing to offer help when Katie wasn't. My continued help could make the entire situation worse.
And I did. I guess I just thought we were both taking a half hour. How would my help make things worse especially when it made Candy smile and breathe normally? Candy was going to be just fine.
Later when Candy was helping with my homework (and the second we were alone), she tried to make sure Katie was okay and that Wei Lao Shi hadn't been really angry or anything. I thought everything would be alright.
It wasn't today Katie cried most of the day. I wanted to help, but wasn't quite sure how. Katie's nice, but I've never felt like we've really connected. I had no idea what sort of comfort I could offer, especially because I was the problem.
After lunch, we had a conversation with Wei Lao Shi. She started talking about how there were always problems when there were three people living in a house. She said she saw a problem like this coming. It didn't help the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when Wei Lao Shi said the situation was basically irreparable without letting me explain my side of the story.
I helped Candy because I couldn't stand the idea of Candy being as nervous as I was for the final speech. No one deserves that. I helped Candy because I felt personally responsible because I wasn't there for her when she needed me. I wasn't even aware she had a breakdown until long after. I didn't have that sense of responsibility as Wei Lao Shi seems to think because I helped write the speeches (which Katie had no idea even existed). I felt responsible because the girl I consider my sister was in pain. I'm sorry if I ruined Katie's relationship, but I can't say I'm sorry I could make the frantic look leave Candy's eyes.
Now, I can hear Katie help Candy practice as I write this. They're still talking in mostly Chinese. I'm not sure how Katie is helping with Candy's English if they're not speaking English.
Okay, I've had my rant. Back to frantic studying.
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